Having tried -- and failed -- to get a copyright on our famous whirling middle finger of death, we wish the best of luck to former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, who's filed a lawsuit against Jay-Z, claiming that the (ahem) "retired" rapper stole his patented hand sign. Page claims that Hova swiped his "Diamond Cutter sign" -- made by using both thumbs and index fingers to form, naturally enough, a diamond shape -- in recent years, mimicking it in concert and on the covers of both the Dynasty: Roc La Familia 2000 and Fade to Black albums. If Page fails on this count, maybe he could go after the Pussycat Dolls, whose sampling of his spandex collection is pretty doggone flagrant, if you ask us . . .
A few months ago, the birdwatching world was all agog over the sighting of the ivory-billed woodpecker, a critter not seen in the wild in decades. We felt a similar warmth in our cockles earlier this week when a similarly rare bird appeared out of nowhere -- that being unfettered honesty from a rock musician, namely Michelle Branch. The sometime Carlos Santana playmate popped up on her official Web site to tell a fair portion of her fan base -- the ones who've gotten agitated over lack of new material -- to "f-off." To be fair, she spread the venom around fairly evenly, calling her record label a bunch of quick-buck rip-off artists and distancing herself from her most recent Santana collaboration. Branch summed up her feelings by writing that "this isn't fun for me anymore. I'm sick of sucking dicks to get my music heard." It seemed to work for Samantha Fox . . .
Even though it often leads to great disappointment -- like the crushing blow we felt when we heard that Courtney Love wasn't really going to play a featured role in that made-for-TV bio of Pope John Paul II -- we're still trying to add to our collection of signs of the apocalypse. We snagged one this week when word came down that Justin Timberlake is allegedly in the process of taking lessons on how to sound more like a man. One of our favorite British tabloids reports that the artist sometimes known as Mister Cameron Diaz is trying to bolster his acting career by soliciting pointers on how to deepen his voice -- a move the rag claims was prompted by his being rejected for an action-hero role because he sounds more "like a twelve-year-old boy" . . .
While corporate paper-pushers with little imagination might find it easier to simply toss a wad of cash at Sean "Insert Rotating Nickname" Combs, the folks at Germany's Hornbach Home Improvement Centers went one step beyond, filling their spokesmodel slot with none other than Einsturzende Neubauten mainman Blixa Bargeld. In a series of TV ads for the company, the skronk-monger -- whose band's name, appropriately enough, translates to Collapsing New Buildings -- gives impassioned readings from a catalog, staunchly proclaiming the superiority of its mosquito-zappers and other fine products. If Bargeld's onscreen appearance is any indication, Hornbach doesn't, unfortunately, offer a line of shampoos.
